How to Write A Best Seller Part One: Top Ten Characters We're Sick of

Everyone knows exactly what they don’t want to see in a story, but no one actually knows what they want. People don’t want a whitewashed cast, but no one knows how to ask for representation. People don’t want a ‘typical’ love story, but they don’t know how to ask for queer characters who have a personality that doesn’t revolve exclusively around the fact that they’re queer. People don’t want dick jokes thrown left and right, but they don’t know how to ask for something that’ll really make them laugh. People don’t want the ‘post-apocolyptic’ world, but they still want something with anti-religious themes and no sense of hope. People don’t want a ‘Mary Sue’ female lead, but they don’t know how to ask for something different. So how is anyone supposed to write a funny story about the end of the world when people don’t know what they want to see, or what they want to hear? Because no one wants a realistic teen story anymore, and no one wants over-used apocolyptic fiction. I mean, Jesus, this isn’t ‘Build a Book’, and we can’t read minds. We never even said we could. So we look to the YA best sellers. What do young people want to read? I’m a young person, so I should really know this shit. We see John Green, plastered all over the leaderboards, for his heartfelt characters and sense of humor. That’s something young people want. They want to laugh, and they want to cry. We see The Book Thief. Young people want a strong female lead who has her own special way of saying ‘Fuck the system’.

 

Already, we know some of the things that young people want to read about. We see Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children. Young people like weird kids, and creepy abandoned places out of the reach of civilization. We’ve already got a recipe for something good. We see Eleanor and Park. Young people like forbidden love. We see The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Young people like books that get what it’s like to grow up. We see the Divergent series, and The Hunger Games. Again, young people like strong female leads. But they also like Militant post-apocalyptic states. We see things like the Mortal Instruments series. So young people like weird twists on paranormal lore.

 

We see things like Cress, and Cinder, and even further back, Beastly. Young people like fucked up fairytales.

 

So now we’ve got it. We have the secret to the ideal best seller.

Humor + strong girl + fuck the system + fucked up system + puberty’s a bitch + hopeless future + monsters +princesses = maybe someone will like this???

But there are some character archetypes in teen fiction--and fiction in general that everyone’s sick of seeing. We all know it. Those characters that are so commonly utilized that if we see it again, we'll barf. So, let's find them! There's nothing better when you're writing something and you don't know what to do, then to look at what you don't  do.

1. The Manic Pixie Dream Girl

So, so sick of this type of character. Yes, okay, they're quirky and cute, but they're the sort of character that men create to project their dreams onto, that they can quickly warp into a bitch after she breaks his heart. She's here to give new meaning to the hero's life--whether he likes it or not! But of course he likes it, because he's been searching for meaning in a girl for his whole fucking life instead of finding it himself! She's the kind of girl who wants to force a guy into living as openly and carefree as she does, and to find even a chunk of bird shit on the sidewalk a miracle of nature! She talks with a smile and a shit ton of exclamation points! She likes all the things the hero likes--the same books, movies, music, whatever--and because of this, she's automatically his soul-mate. But oh no! She might be quirky and sunny, but she's a cynic! This is a fancy way of saying that she thinks for herself. But she doesn't do love, because relationships are messy and someone always gets hurt. So, by the end, she dumps the hero, and puts him in the 'friend-zone', meaning that she's both a bitch and a slut because she's discovered that she's actually not that into him.

2. The Asshole Who's Obsessing Over the Manic Pixie Dream Girl

Or, most commonly known as this guy:

Or, the Main Character. I think I might actually hate this guy more than the Manic Pixie Dream Girl, because he's the douchebag who invented her. This guy is most commonly the socially awkward type, who always loses out because the girl he likes always leaves him for some 'jerk'. This is the guy who opens a door for you, and then throws a fit when you don't repay him with a blowjob. These are the guys that suck up to any female they see, trying to impress them with how 'different' they are from other guys. They only compliment ladies because they hope to get sex out of it. Yes, this is the inventor of the infamous 'friend zone'--how butthurt guts make themselves feel better about girls not being into them. Blaming the girl. When you first see them, you want to root for him because he's "such a nice guy", and you want him to get the girl right away. But he almost never gets the girl because he doesn't deserve her--because he pushes all of his fantasies on her and expects her to follow the motions. This is the guy who gives you a comic sans "be my valentine or we can't be friends anymore" card. Because apparently, these guys  think that if a girl doesn't want the D from them, it means that she's not good enough to be his friend.

3. The Sassy Gay Friend

As a member of the LGBTQA community, nothing pisses me off like the sassy gay friend. This is the queer male whose entire storyline revolves around the fact that he's queer. He's a fashion guru, relationship fortune teller, and straight up bitch. These are everywhere. And yes, of course, these do exist in real life, and it's nice to have a sassy  dude around, but it's getting more annoying than the Manic Pixie Dream Girl.

This is the guy who hits on every boy he sees, and gets all catty about everyone else's clothing choices. But you can't insult him. Anything you say, between calling him an asshole or telling him he has ugly socks, is automatically homophobic, because you're surely just saying it because he's gay, right? If he were straight and he called you a ratchet ass hoe, you wouldn't get equally as angry. I'm a lesbian, and a lot of the time, these guys are considered our "sworn enemies". It's not that we hate each other, it's just that we have nothing in common. We don't like the same gender, and we're not even in the same gender. We look at them and think, "twink", and they look at us and think, "butch". But the water-and-oil relationships in the queer community are for another day. This guy is often perky, fashionable, feminine, popular and/or bullied, and is there solely for the purpose of guiding the white female lead through all her boy problems. Sassy queer guys are fine. But they need a little more to their personality. There are, in fact, queer characters whose stories don't revolve exclusively around the fact that they're gay. Characters like Torchwood's Captain Jack Harkness (although he's actually pansexual, which isn't at all the same), or

Renly Baratheon in Game of Thrones. These are characters that have more to them than cute clothes and snide comments. And your gay lead doesn't have to be two-faced. We often mistake the 'sassy gay friend' for the 'bitchy popular girl'. 4. The Dumb Blonde Okay, Elle Woods is actually the polar opposite of the "dumb blonde", so she's actually a bad example of what not to do. Instead, she's a good example of what to do. Dumb blonde characters are as old as time: pretty, but not much going on upstairs. These are the popular, perky, peppy girls who love pink, boys, and shoes. They're either dumb and mean, or dumb and dumb. Nothing in between. Apparently, a girl's hair color makes her a total floozy. We could always write a smart blonde with the same 'popular girl' attitude, much like Elle Woods. We could also write the 'dumb' blonde who's got a bigger heart than anyone else, and won't take anybody's shit, much like The Help's Celia Foote.

Or, you could just say 'fuck it' and make her blonde because you want to, and make her character however you want to. All three options provide a golden-haired beauty who's different, and refreshing.

5. The Bitchy Cheerleader



This actress has played too many bitchy cheerleaders to count. These girls are brutal--popular, catty, selfish, spoiled, and slutty. And almost never seen out of uniform for some reason. The bitchy cheerleader trope haunts teen fiction--she's always the leader of the mean girl pack, and she's always dating the captain of the football team, and she's always telling the quirky main character to stay away from her man. She pussy-whips every guy she dates, and is a blonde bombshell of relentless evil. She's the trendsetter (even though she's almost always wearing the same outfit???), the gossip queen, and everyone wants to be her even though she's shallow and cruel. For once, I'd like to see the villain as the "geek girl" who puts other people down because she thinks she's better than them because they wear short skirts and she reads books. Which brings us to number six.

6. The "Not Like Other Girls"

 

Wow. If there's a character trope I hate, it's this one, because I deal with these people in my own life more than anyone else. These girls try so hard to be nerdy and different and weird that you end up hating them right off the bat. These are the ones that say "I'm not like other girls", and always feel like they're being judged by the majority. These girls think they're 'soooo random lol XDD' because they'd rather sit at home reading erotic Harry Potter fan fiction than go out with their friends. They're 'special snowflakes', who try to make clumsy cute. Clumsy isn't cute. Trust me. They frown on girls that make different choices than they are, and often "slut shame" them for wearing the low cut shirts and for having sex. That's probably the worst part of this kind of character--not only does she feel judged and ostracized by these "other girls", but she also judges and trashes their every personal decision. This is what it should look like:



A strong female character who stands out shouldn't make herself feel bigger by making other girls feel smaller. All girls have feelings and want to be respected--you might have your style, but don't go being a bitch and trashing someone else's. 

 

7. The Fat, Lazy, Sassy Black Girl

Wow! Two overused stereotypes in one gif! Want to know why Glee is all over this entry? Because Glee is probably the finest example of how not to write a character. To argue against prejudice and stereotyping, someone thought it was a good idea to throw all of these annoying stock characters into one room.

Anyways, the fat, lazy, sassy black girl is probably one of the most commonly used African American female character archetypes since Gone With the Wind invented the "Mammy". This girl doesn't want to anything but eat, and won't take anyone's shit. She's not a team player, and she doesn't contribute to anything or associate with white people. This character type is rather harmful, I think, because it portrays black women as selfish, gluttonous, and rude. It's like a subtle way of reversing the progress we've made in terms of racism. While there's a slew of white female character types, there's only a handful or so of black females. People want representation--in literature, movies, TV. But they also want to be represented by a strong character. The girl who sits around and complains about crackers with her hand in a bucket of KFC does nothing but feed the negative black stereotypes floating around.

 

8. The "Black Comic Relief"

This is the guy who's only funny because he's the only black guy in a group of whites. He's usually not too bright, but he's goofy, and uses a lot of the 'cool' urban slang. I kind of hate the black comic relief character, because he's never taken seriously--even if he's talking about something important. He's the 'pet negro', so to speak, and is just paraded around to breakdance and say 'aw hell naw!' on cue. Funny black characters are awesome, don't get me wrong. But like a lot of these characters, he's not well rounded, or developed in any way. He's just the sidekick, and no one listens to him. A character shouldn't just be written so they can be funny, or for the purpose of "representing" other ethnic groups.

9.  The Corrupt Politician

Of course you are. It's your character. Nowadays, we can't trust one goddamn politician, because all of them seem to be evil, malevolent, and self-serving. And okay, there's a disgusting amount of corruption and something needs to be done about it, but this conniving totalitarian type is really starting to get old. One of these days, I'd like to see a fictional politician who isn't hideously two-faced, and wouldn't shove the president in front of a speeding train to get his job or something. I'm not saying they have to be a wholesome superhuman--in fact, they shouldn't be. However, it would be refreshing to see a politician who's less of a figurehead--less of a social commentary on political greed--and more of a person, who behaves like any other person would. Just because someone's in a powerful position doesn't mean that they're not human.

10. The Star Trek Redshirts

sTOP FUCKING DYING ALL THE TIME

So, there we have it. Ten characters that you probably shouldn't utilize if you're trying to write a best seller. These are the characters that make readers sit and stare at your book like this:

And

And the ever popular