7 Ways to Get Your Brain Doing Shit

We all know how hard it is to come up with an idea for something. Hell, I haven't had a good idea in weeks. So here I have some useful tips to help you get going.

1. CAFFEINE

I cannot put enough emphasis on how helpful a cup of coffee, tea, or even a glass of Pepsi can do to your brain. caffeine, like nicotine and Ritalin, is a stimulant. It jogs your brain into motion, so if you're exhausted, or even just a little fuzzy, a boost will really help you crank out some really ingenious ideas.

2. Eat

It could be chocolate, carrots, or chicken nuggets--I don't care. Eating something will get your brain and your body working faster. You'll be able to think, and write at a better speed than you might have otherwise.

3. De-clutter

When it comes to creating a productive writing space, less is sometimes more. Clean up your desk area, and close out of unnecessary tabs like Tumblr and Buzzfeed. Okay, yes, they're necessary because my life revolves almost exclusively around these two websites, but this is writing time. When it's writing time, you can't be distracted by Supernatural gifs or cute videos of corgis. I know, it's hard, but I'm sure you can do it.

4. Get somewhere quiet

Okay, so you might love your friends and family and social media. But when you're writing, it's usually best to be as far away as possible from people who might try to engage you in conversation. Your quiet place could be anywhere--a coffee shop, a library, a park, or even somewhere in your own home. This is another way to cut off distractions, and feel free to tell that chatty friend who reeeeeeaaaaaally wants to tell you what happened on The Bachelor last night to shut the fuck up.

5. Listen to music

Find your jam and bury yourself in it. Music is a great way to help you concentrate, and can also help drown out all of those stupid, annoying distractions like your social life. You can listen to music that fits what you're feeling, or fits what you're writing, or whatever the heckle deckle you feel like listening to.

6. Listen to soothing sounds

I don't know what relaxes you. Rain, ocean waves, whale sounds, what have you. But playing something soothing as white nose either over your music or instead of it really helps the brain relax. There's also a really great website, Coffitivity.com, which plays mundane coffee shop sounds that do miracles for your creativity.

7. Exercise

Ew, exercise! If you hate it, don't worry. So do I, as well as probably most of the human population. But as much as it sucks to be sweaty and moving, and not sitting on the couch watching reruns of Doctor Who, getting up and getting your wiggle on releases endorphins, which we know not only makes us happy, but boosts our concentration. Don't believe me? That's okay. I cited a real professional on this:

First rule of Elle Woods, Elle Woods is always right.

So there you have it. Seven quick and easy ways to help get your brain doing shit.

Writing Characters With ADD/ADHD

ADD and ADHD is a topic that hits a little close to home for me, seeing as I've had ADHD since I was a kid. But I've noticed that a lot of characters we all know and love (and some we might not know, or love) have either been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD in the canon, or probably have it.

But to start, we kind of have to go into what these disorders are. You wanted a writing lesson, and I'm given you a science lesson. Lucky you. ADD and ADHD, just like anxiety, or depression, occur due to a chemical imbalance in the brain, as well as some brain development. It's very often hereditary, but not always. It's how people are wired. People with ADD and ADHD often struggle to pay attention--either they're daydreaming, or they're too busy bouncing around in their seats to focus. They're imaginative, empathetic, and what they miss socially they make up for emotionally. Let's look at some examples of some hyperactive, daydreaming guys and gals who can't seem to organize their brains.

1. Stiles Stilinski (Teen Wolf)

Probably my favorite fictional character with ADHD, because he's open about it. This makes it easier for people to understand what we go through, how we behave, and how we're treated. Stiles is energetic, and always ready to laugh. He can't pay attention in class because he's always talking, or fidgeting around. He's brilliant, if he could just get stuff done. He's benched in lacrosse all the time probably because he can't pay attention to the ball. But Stiles is also very empathetic, and he's a huge sweetie. He understands people, how they feel. He can see right through his best friend Scott like cellophane, and he can read Lydia Martin like a book (one that he can actually pay attention to). He's got a big heart, and is always looking out for his friends, and for his dad. He also references the fact that he takes Adderall, a common medication used to help the brain calm down a little. Most importantly, Stiles is always eating, and that's something we can all identify with--but people with ADHD are ravenous once their medication wears off. One time I ate a whole frozen pizza all by myself. It was awesome.

2. Tigger (Winnie the Pooh)

Are you kidding me? Tigger is ADHD in a nutshell. He's always bouncing around with uncontrollable energy. He talks fast, thinks fast, moves fast, and doesn't like it when people can't catch up. He often feels out of place, like he doesn't belong, and in the feature film The Tigger Movie, he actually leaves the Hundred Acre Wood in search of his family. In search of people who think like him, because he usually feels like an outcast in front of his friends. He's got energy, and is always bopping around from one idea to the next, so he's often hard to follow. But he also cares about his friends, especially Pooh, and does his best to help them when they need it--even though they might sometimes find him annoying.

3.Clark W. Griswald (National Lampoon's 'Vacation' movies)

Clark W. Griswald. He has a lot of energy, and isn't that good at reading social cues--he's better than cousin Eddie, but anyone is better than cousin Eddie. Clark bounces from one project to another, and wants everything to be big, and special, and perfect. He hyper-focuses on his goals, which is clearly shown in Christmas Vacation when he obsesses over the Christmas lights. But he's also a very caring, and empathetic person, which is shown by how much he really cares about his family.
4. Alice (Alice and Wonderland)

Alice has a big imagination, and often finds herself daydreaming and not paying attention to what's going on around her. She also complains about not being to read her sister's book because there "aren't any pictures", showing that she has a rather brief attention span, and needs more stimulation. Wonderland is almost entirely her own creation, showing how imaginative and innovative she is. Alice also doesn't think things through--she's impulsive, and gets herself into all sorts of trouble because she keeps getting distracted. She lacks the hyperactivity of someone with ADHD, so we can assume she's more of an ADD sort of kid.
5. Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

Calvin is pretty much the poster-boy for many kids that get diagnosed with ADHD: the hyperactive troublemaker who can't sit still and fabricates wild fantasies. After all, he imagined Hobbes, didn't he? Calvin is creative, and is constantly bouncing from one thing to the next. He's not the best at reading social cues, which is shown by how he treats his classmate Susie. The big emphasis that the artist puts on Calvin's mannerisms is his over-active imagination and hyperactivity.

6. Deadpool (Marvel Comics)

For anyone who doesn't know Deadpool, he's another fine example of a character with attention issues. He's energetic, carefree, and is constantly jumping from one idea to another. He often has trouble getting along with other characters, because he's so easily distracted--at one point after one of his regenerations, he spent several pages admiring his penis and saying "Boingy! Boingy! Boingy!" while he was supposed to be doing something important.
7. Dory (Finding Nemo)

Dory has a lot of energy. She can't remember anything, and she's constantly distracted, especially by the little jellyfish, Squishy. She's halfway through doing something else when she spies a tiny jellyfish and swims over to it eagerly. She has to keep re-introducing herself because she can't remember if she's done it already. She's a chatterbox, and is constantly veering off the path she's taking to talk to someone. Dory has a lot of energy, and is always talking, or swimming in circles, or talking to herself. She can't rest. She always has to be doing something. And still, she can't read social cues. But she's got a heart of gold, and would do almost anything to help Marlin find his son. She's sensitive, and emotional, and has a serious fear of abandonment, or feeling like an outcast.
8. Jack Skelington (The Nightmare Before Christmas)

Jack is intuitive, and inventive. He's always looking for new stimulation, because the same routine bores him to death (tell me I'm funny). He's always asking "what's this?" and "what does it mean?" because he wants to know everything there is to know. However, many of the people around Jack don't fully understand his train of thought, and it frustrates him. People with ADD/ADHD often think very differently than others, and it's a huge pain in the ass, because they know what they're talking about, but people can't catch up. Once he finds something new, he obsesses over it, and won't stop thinking, talking, or researching about it. He procrastinates--he puts off eating in sleeping in favor of discovering the secret to Christmas. Jack is empathetic, and really wants to make people happy, even if he doesn't exactly know how.
9. Iron Man/Tony Stark (Marvel Comics/Movies)

Tony does not work well with others. He wants to do his own thing at his own pace, and gets frustrated when people try to interrupt his work, or don't understand what he's doing. He's brilliant, and sees things from every angle he can--sometimes, angles that other people might not have even known existed, which also shows how imaginative he is. He's not good at committing, which is shown by his various affairs with women. He's got a lot of energy, and he's talkative and social. He gets easily distracted, and often puts off food and sleep in favor of diving into his work, which he nearly obsesses over.
10. Pretty much everyone in Percy Jackson and the Olympians

I know next to nothing about the Percy Jackson series (sorry), but I do know that almost every resident at Camp Half-Blood has some form of ADD, ADHD, or dyslexia. This was confirmed by the author at some point.
11. Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)

Barney. Oh, Barney. He's energetic, social, and easily distracted, and we love him. In the episode "Robin 101", he pays more attention to his phone than the lesson, and then suddenly asks "Can we have class outside?" He thinks fast, moves fast, and either plans things to a T, or doesn't think them through at all, and there's nothing in between. Barney jumps from one idea to another, and he has a wild imagination. He also, like Tony Stark, struggles with commitment, and sticking to one woman, or one idea.
12. The 11th Doctor (and most of the other doctors) (Doctor Who)

Yes, everyone's favorite cosmic nine year-old. A lot of the Doctors have mannerisms and behaviors that hint toward something like ADHD, but 11 has it written right on his forehead. He can't pay attention to anything at once, and often finds himself distracted by the silliest things. He's got a lot of energy, and sometimes just can't stop jumping up and down. 11 talks quickly, thinks quickly, moves quickly, and can't stand being bored. He needs stimulation 24/7, and if he doesn't have someone to talk to, he'll just go and talk to himself. The 11th Doctor also taps into the sort of empathy common among people with ADD and ADHD; he knows how to comfort people, and to get down on their level, and has a knack for seeing the big picture. Plus, he can never decide between a Stetson and a Fez.
13. Timmy Turner (The Fairly Odd Parents)

 

Again. ADHD kids and food. As soon as the meds wear off, we're ravenous beasts, and you'd best get out of our way. Timmy has an over-active imagination (obviously), and admits to having a short attention span. Like Calvin, Timmy exhibits that knack for making things up, and inability to sit still. The two of them are actually a lot alike--both of them also struggle in school because they can't focus, and have more energy than they know what to do with. 

14. Cosmo (The Fairly Odd Parents)

It's okay, Cosmo. We all know that feel. Cosmo's a big sweetie, first of all. He's madly in love with his wife, Wanda, and would do pretty much anything for Timmy. But he doesn't pay much attention, and is often very easily distracted and easily confused. And okay, he's not that bright, but he's got the energy and creativity of someone with ADHD.
15. Ron Stoppable (Kim Possible)

Ron either has uncontrollable energy, or he totally crashes. He struggles to pay attention, and comes up with some pretty weird ideas. And again--he's always eating. He doesn't think things through, unlike Kim, and often feels like an outcast or a freak because he thinks differently than others in his environment.
16. Jake (Adventure Time)

If you don't love Jake, you're lying. He's loyal, imaginative, and loves food more than people. I think we're all a little bit like Jake inside. But let's talk not only about Jake's excessive energy and creativity, but about how easily distracted he is. He's sort of Finn's voice of reason at times, but he also jumps into things headfirst. Jake has a big heart, and has a lot of love for Finn, Lady Rainicorn, and his kids.
17. Mabel Pines (Gravity Falls)

Mabel has a lot of energy. She's loud, she's talkative, and sometimes she doesn't know when to stop. And holy shit, is she easily distracted. In the first episode, when she and her brother arrive in Gravity Falls, Oregon, she proclaims "Yay grass!" and rolls around on the ground for a while. She's imaginative, and she's caring. She's got a big heart, and everyone who talks to her can see it.

And now, for more fun, let's look at some real people we all know and love who've openly said that they have attention issues, or at least hinted at it.

1. Emma Watson

"It's leviohsah, not--want to go ride bikes?"

2. Robin Williams

"Oh Captain, my--look! A bird!"

3. Jim Carrey

"Good morning, and in case I don't see ya--I really want pizza. Do you want pizza?"
4. Matt Smith

"Trust me, I'm the--look! A bow tie!"
5. Benedict Cumberbatch

"I am fire. I am--something smells really good in here. Is someone making popcorn?"
6. Robert Downey Jr.

"Because if we can't protect the Earth, you can de damned well sure we--hold on, everyone stop! I see a cat."

7. Stephen Spielberg

"E.T. phone--oh, shit, did I leave the oven on?"

8. Will Smith

"West Philadelphia born and raised--you know, I've always wanted to go to a circus, you know what I mean?"
9. Ernest Hemmingway

"Write drunk, edit--hey, you want to go get a drink?"
10. Justin Timberlake

"I'm bringin' sexy back--ooh! Butterfly!"

So there you have it, folks. The D.L. on characters (and people) with attention deficit issues. I've taught you the basics--how we act, how we think, how we feel. Don't be afraid to use the characters I've listed above as a guide--I put them there for a reason.

Ethos, Pathos, and Logos: Why They're a Pain, and Why We Need Them

Let's talk characters.

Characters are, in my opinion, the most important part of any novel, TV show, movie, comic book, video game, and so on. A character can make or break a project. A lot of people argue that there are things more important than characters, like genre, appeal, and so forth. I'm going to tell you right off the bat that if you have a good idea, but really flat, flimsy characters, the entire project is going to be a flop.

A writer's job is to tell a story, but it's also our job to make the audience actually feel something. We want to connect with our readers, you know? And the best way to do that is by creating well-rounded, dynamic characters. To get a point across, and to get people to listen, you have to give them some form of comfort, and familiarity. Humans, although we're all different, experience the same ranges of core, human emotions (even if we don't always react to them in the same way). Humans connect with each other, and we crave that connection. So, really, the key to a successful masterpiece is to create characters that are so human that they could be anybody; we see ourselves in other people, and that helps to expand our understanding of others, and of ourselves.

So, what are some of the most basic ways that we can use characters to appeal to people in the outside world? I'm sure some of you have heard of ethos, pathos, and logos, but if not, I'll digress into a mini lesson. Ethos, pathos, and logos are the so-called "Three Appeals", an idea coined by the ancient philosopher Aristotle. These strategies are most often taught in English language, composition, and rhetoric classes, and not as often in terms of literature. But whether you're writing a news article or the next Great American Novel, having an understanding of the three appeals is a big help. They're also called the "Methods of Persuasion", but I prefer to call them the Holy Trinity of AP English Compisition Nightmares, because as useful as they are, sometimes they can be a huge pain in the ass.

So, picture a triangle.

At the top of the triangle, we have Ethos, an appeal to authority. Ethos isn't as important in fiction as it is in essays and journalism, but it's still pretty useful. Ethos is defined as the use of an appeal to ethics and authority in order to establish the credibility of the speaker. Ethos is used to persuade people into trusting you, and believing that you know what you're talking about.

Ethos is tricky. Let's do an example.

Say you're hiring a babysitter. If you don't have kids, or aren't planning on having any, then pretend the babysitter is a dogsitter, catsitter, fishsitter, housesitter, or plantsitter. They're sitting something. It's your choice what it is.

So you're hiring someone to look  after your precious darlings, and you're in the middle of an interview with two potential candidates.

The first says, "Yeah, I don't really have too much experience with kids (or dogs, cats, plants, and so on), but I'm pretty dedicated and stuff."

The second says, "I've been looking after kids for a couple of years. I've looked after my brothers and sisters, I nannyed for Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes's kids, I have a degree in early childhood education, I'm first aid certified, and I love arts and crafts."

Okay, a really extreme example, but what babysitter would you choose? The one who's inexperienced? Or the one who has a stellar resume and knows what they're doing? This is an example of ethos, because the second babysitter is showing that they're credible, experienced, and trustworthy.

After ethos, comes my personal favorite, pathos: the appeal to emotion. When trying to create a personable, realistic character, one of the most important things you can learn is how to make people feel what you want to. This doesn't just go for characters, this goes for everything. Mastering the use of pathos means that you're pretty much a master of mind control. You're telling people what to feel so indescreetly that they're actually feeling it. Mastering this skill pretty much makes you Professer Charles Xavier.

Pathos and logos are the ying and the yang of creating a convincing argument. They're polar opposites, and yet you can't have one without the other. So let's think of pathos as the right brain (in control of emotion, creativity, passion, a nd looking at the big picture), and logos as the left brain (which is the more logical, analytical, and verbal side of the brain).

The best way to understand the differences between pathos/right brain and logos/left brain is through this ridiculously humorous song by the singing comedian Bo Burnham, which I'll insert below. Sure, it's dumb and silly, but Burnham's duet between the two halves of his brain shows not only how pathos and logos work, but how you can't have one without the other.

This version of the song might not be in the finest quality, but if you enjoyed it, do try out his performance of "what.", which you can find on Netflix.

Okay, enough free advertising. Sorry, Bo.

So, pathos. The right side of our little rhetorical triangle. You can use pathos to appeal to any human emotion if you try, and I'm going to look a little closer into emotions later, and how people react to things in different ways. A website by the name of yourdictionary.com has a special section about the three appeals here  http://examples.yourdictionary.com/examples/examples-of-ethos-logos-and-pathos.html

Let's look at some of the examples

• "If we don’t move soon, we’re all going to die! Can’t you see how dangerous it would be to stay?"

This appeals to the classic "Fight or Flight" instinct, which is another important thing we'll look at as we figure out how to develop dynamic characters. When you read this sentence, it gives you a sense of fear, intamacy, and haste. You feel rushed, and afraid, and the character is speaking to "you" directly. We often appeal to the instincts of fear and survival more than anything else because it's one of the basest of natural human instincts. This kind of fiction-induced adrenaline rush is the reason why action and horror movies have become so popular. Whether we think about it or not, we kind of like being scared, and on the edges of our seats.

• "I’m not just invested in this community – I love every building, every business, every hard-working member of this town."

Doesn't reading this just make you feel proud, and loved? This feeling of working hard and being appreciated, and proud, is most often used by politicians. You feel like this individual loves everything and everyone, and it makes you feel pretty special.

• "Where would we be without this tradition? Ever since our forefathers landed at Plymouth Rock, we’ve celebrated Thanksgiving without fail, making more than cherished recipes. We’ve made memories."
• "They’ve worked against everything we’ve worked so hard to build, and they don’t care who gets hurt in the process. Make no mistake, they’re the enemy, and they won’t stop until we’re all destroyed."
• "Don’t be the last person on the block to have their lawn treated – you don’t want to be the laughing stock of your community!"
• "You should consider another route. I heard that that street is far more dangerous and ominous at night than during the daytime."
• "You’ll make the right decision because you have something that not many people do: you have heart."
• "After years of this type of disrespect from your boss, countless hours wasted, birthdays missed… it’s time that you took a stand."
• "Better men than us have fought and died to preserve this great nation. Now is our turn to return the favor. For God and country, gentlemen!"
• "You will never be satisfied in life if you don’t seize this opportunity. Do you want to live the rest of your years yearning to know what would have happened if you just jumped when you had the chance?"

And then we come to the last corner of the triangle, Logos. The important appeal to the logic that supports your claim. This is where you give 'em the cold, hard facts, and the well-thought calculations. This is the left brain, so to speak, if you want to look at it from Mr. Burnham's perspective. Logos is the final way to make something reliable. You've showed off your references, you've tickled their heartstrings, and now you give them the evidence in the middle. I like to call logos the "Spock" of rhetoric. No emotion, all reality. Grounded, material, tangible. Let's look at some examples.

"The data is perfectly clear: this investment has consistently turned a profit year-over-year, even in spite of market declines in other areas."

These words show research, evidence, and pattern. This is the part where the lawyer makes their claim to the jury, showing off OJ Simpson's glove.

Some more examples are as follows:

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury: we have not only the fingerprints, the lack of an alibi, a clear motive, and an expressed desire to commit the robbery… We also have video of the suspect breaking in. The case could not be more open and shut."

"It’s a matter of common sense that people deserve to be treated equally. The Constitution calls it ‘self-evident.’ Why, then, should I have been denied a seat because of my disability?"

"More than one hundred peer-reviewed studies have been conducted over the past decade, and none of them suggests that this is an effective treatment for hair loss."

"History has shown time and again that absolute power corrupts absolutely."

"Private demand for the product has tapered off for the past three years, and this year’s sales figures are at an all-time low. It’s time to research other options."

"The algorithms have been run in a thousand different ways, and the math continues to check out."

"In 25 years of driving the same route, I haven’t seen a single deer."

"He has a track record of success with this company, culminating in some of our most acclaimed architecture to date and earning us Firm of the Year nine times in a row."

"You don’t need to jump off a bridge to know that it’s a bad idea. Why then would you need to try drugs to know if they’re damaging? That’s plain nonsense."

"Research compiled by analysts from NASA, as well as organizations from five other nations with space programs, suggests that a moon colony is viable with international support."

So there you have it--Ethos, Pathos, and Logos, the Deathly Hallows of literature. It might help to think of them as Harry, Ron, and Hermione.

Harry is the Pathos.

He appeals to emotion, because we see everything through his eyes. His personal tragedy with his parents makes us feel the ache of an absent family. His need to belong, and feel loved. His determination, and his curiosity. First hand, we can experience his sadness, anger, happiness, and everything in between.

Ron is the Ethos.

Okay, so maybe he's not the ideal authority figure, but he still provides an appeal to the governing force: magic. He's the one who knows the most about it, because he was raised into it. He knows the customs, knows the traditions, and knows the ins and outs of being a wizard. Like I said, he's not exactly a leader, but he's sort of the doctor of the group in a way--not in that he's an actual doctor, but if one of them was having a heart attack (or was hit with a bad hex, in his case), he'd have some basic idea of what to do. For some reason, having him around kind of puts us at ease because he's the one who has the most first-hand experience with magic.

Hermione is the Logos.

 

 

Enough said.

But the goal is that each of your characters should embody all three of these elements in their behavior and delivery of their beliefs. Harry should know the most about something, Hermione should have feelings, and Ron should have...some sort of logic.

How to Write A Best Seller Part One: Top Ten Characters We're Sick of

Everyone knows exactly what they don’t want to see in a story, but no one actually knows what they want. People don’t want a whitewashed cast, but no one knows how to ask for representation. People don’t want a ‘typical’ love story, but they don’t know how to ask for queer characters who have a personality that doesn’t revolve exclusively around the fact that they’re queer. People don’t want dick jokes thrown left and right, but they don’t know how to ask for something that’ll really make them laugh. People don’t want the ‘post-apocolyptic’ world, but they still want something with anti-religious themes and no sense of hope. People don’t want a ‘Mary Sue’ female lead, but they don’t know how to ask for something different. So how is anyone supposed to write a funny story about the end of the world when people don’t know what they want to see, or what they want to hear? Because no one wants a realistic teen story anymore, and no one wants over-used apocolyptic fiction. I mean, Jesus, this isn’t ‘Build a Book’, and we can’t read minds. We never even said we could. So we look to the YA best sellers. What do young people want to read? I’m a young person, so I should really know this shit. We see John Green, plastered all over the leaderboards, for his heartfelt characters and sense of humor. That’s something young people want. They want to laugh, and they want to cry. We see The Book Thief. Young people want a strong female lead who has her own special way of saying ‘Fuck the system’.

 

Already, we know some of the things that young people want to read about. We see Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children. Young people like weird kids, and creepy abandoned places out of the reach of civilization. We’ve already got a recipe for something good. We see Eleanor and Park. Young people like forbidden love. We see The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Young people like books that get what it’s like to grow up. We see the Divergent series, and The Hunger Games. Again, young people like strong female leads. But they also like Militant post-apocalyptic states. We see things like the Mortal Instruments series. So young people like weird twists on paranormal lore.

 

We see things like Cress, and Cinder, and even further back, Beastly. Young people like fucked up fairytales.

 

So now we’ve got it. We have the secret to the ideal best seller.

Humor + strong girl + fuck the system + fucked up system + puberty’s a bitch + hopeless future + monsters +princesses = maybe someone will like this???

But there are some character archetypes in teen fiction--and fiction in general that everyone’s sick of seeing. We all know it. Those characters that are so commonly utilized that if we see it again, we'll barf. So, let's find them! There's nothing better when you're writing something and you don't know what to do, then to look at what you don't  do.

1. The Manic Pixie Dream Girl

So, so sick of this type of character. Yes, okay, they're quirky and cute, but they're the sort of character that men create to project their dreams onto, that they can quickly warp into a bitch after she breaks his heart. She's here to give new meaning to the hero's life--whether he likes it or not! But of course he likes it, because he's been searching for meaning in a girl for his whole fucking life instead of finding it himself! She's the kind of girl who wants to force a guy into living as openly and carefree as she does, and to find even a chunk of bird shit on the sidewalk a miracle of nature! She talks with a smile and a shit ton of exclamation points! She likes all the things the hero likes--the same books, movies, music, whatever--and because of this, she's automatically his soul-mate. But oh no! She might be quirky and sunny, but she's a cynic! This is a fancy way of saying that she thinks for herself. But she doesn't do love, because relationships are messy and someone always gets hurt. So, by the end, she dumps the hero, and puts him in the 'friend-zone', meaning that she's both a bitch and a slut because she's discovered that she's actually not that into him.

2. The Asshole Who's Obsessing Over the Manic Pixie Dream Girl

Or, most commonly known as this guy:

Or, the Main Character. I think I might actually hate this guy more than the Manic Pixie Dream Girl, because he's the douchebag who invented her. This guy is most commonly the socially awkward type, who always loses out because the girl he likes always leaves him for some 'jerk'. This is the guy who opens a door for you, and then throws a fit when you don't repay him with a blowjob. These are the guys that suck up to any female they see, trying to impress them with how 'different' they are from other guys. They only compliment ladies because they hope to get sex out of it. Yes, this is the inventor of the infamous 'friend zone'--how butthurt guts make themselves feel better about girls not being into them. Blaming the girl. When you first see them, you want to root for him because he's "such a nice guy", and you want him to get the girl right away. But he almost never gets the girl because he doesn't deserve her--because he pushes all of his fantasies on her and expects her to follow the motions. This is the guy who gives you a comic sans "be my valentine or we can't be friends anymore" card. Because apparently, these guys  think that if a girl doesn't want the D from them, it means that she's not good enough to be his friend.

3. The Sassy Gay Friend

As a member of the LGBTQA community, nothing pisses me off like the sassy gay friend. This is the queer male whose entire storyline revolves around the fact that he's queer. He's a fashion guru, relationship fortune teller, and straight up bitch. These are everywhere. And yes, of course, these do exist in real life, and it's nice to have a sassy  dude around, but it's getting more annoying than the Manic Pixie Dream Girl.

This is the guy who hits on every boy he sees, and gets all catty about everyone else's clothing choices. But you can't insult him. Anything you say, between calling him an asshole or telling him he has ugly socks, is automatically homophobic, because you're surely just saying it because he's gay, right? If he were straight and he called you a ratchet ass hoe, you wouldn't get equally as angry. I'm a lesbian, and a lot of the time, these guys are considered our "sworn enemies". It's not that we hate each other, it's just that we have nothing in common. We don't like the same gender, and we're not even in the same gender. We look at them and think, "twink", and they look at us and think, "butch". But the water-and-oil relationships in the queer community are for another day. This guy is often perky, fashionable, feminine, popular and/or bullied, and is there solely for the purpose of guiding the white female lead through all her boy problems. Sassy queer guys are fine. But they need a little more to their personality. There are, in fact, queer characters whose stories don't revolve exclusively around the fact that they're gay. Characters like Torchwood's Captain Jack Harkness (although he's actually pansexual, which isn't at all the same), or

Renly Baratheon in Game of Thrones. These are characters that have more to them than cute clothes and snide comments. And your gay lead doesn't have to be two-faced. We often mistake the 'sassy gay friend' for the 'bitchy popular girl'. 4. The Dumb Blonde Okay, Elle Woods is actually the polar opposite of the "dumb blonde", so she's actually a bad example of what not to do. Instead, she's a good example of what to do. Dumb blonde characters are as old as time: pretty, but not much going on upstairs. These are the popular, perky, peppy girls who love pink, boys, and shoes. They're either dumb and mean, or dumb and dumb. Nothing in between. Apparently, a girl's hair color makes her a total floozy. We could always write a smart blonde with the same 'popular girl' attitude, much like Elle Woods. We could also write the 'dumb' blonde who's got a bigger heart than anyone else, and won't take anybody's shit, much like The Help's Celia Foote.

Or, you could just say 'fuck it' and make her blonde because you want to, and make her character however you want to. All three options provide a golden-haired beauty who's different, and refreshing.

5. The Bitchy Cheerleader



This actress has played too many bitchy cheerleaders to count. These girls are brutal--popular, catty, selfish, spoiled, and slutty. And almost never seen out of uniform for some reason. The bitchy cheerleader trope haunts teen fiction--she's always the leader of the mean girl pack, and she's always dating the captain of the football team, and she's always telling the quirky main character to stay away from her man. She pussy-whips every guy she dates, and is a blonde bombshell of relentless evil. She's the trendsetter (even though she's almost always wearing the same outfit???), the gossip queen, and everyone wants to be her even though she's shallow and cruel. For once, I'd like to see the villain as the "geek girl" who puts other people down because she thinks she's better than them because they wear short skirts and she reads books. Which brings us to number six.

6. The "Not Like Other Girls"

 

Wow. If there's a character trope I hate, it's this one, because I deal with these people in my own life more than anyone else. These girls try so hard to be nerdy and different and weird that you end up hating them right off the bat. These are the ones that say "I'm not like other girls", and always feel like they're being judged by the majority. These girls think they're 'soooo random lol XDD' because they'd rather sit at home reading erotic Harry Potter fan fiction than go out with their friends. They're 'special snowflakes', who try to make clumsy cute. Clumsy isn't cute. Trust me. They frown on girls that make different choices than they are, and often "slut shame" them for wearing the low cut shirts and for having sex. That's probably the worst part of this kind of character--not only does she feel judged and ostracized by these "other girls", but she also judges and trashes their every personal decision. This is what it should look like:



A strong female character who stands out shouldn't make herself feel bigger by making other girls feel smaller. All girls have feelings and want to be respected--you might have your style, but don't go being a bitch and trashing someone else's. 

 

7. The Fat, Lazy, Sassy Black Girl

Wow! Two overused stereotypes in one gif! Want to know why Glee is all over this entry? Because Glee is probably the finest example of how not to write a character. To argue against prejudice and stereotyping, someone thought it was a good idea to throw all of these annoying stock characters into one room.

Anyways, the fat, lazy, sassy black girl is probably one of the most commonly used African American female character archetypes since Gone With the Wind invented the "Mammy". This girl doesn't want to anything but eat, and won't take anyone's shit. She's not a team player, and she doesn't contribute to anything or associate with white people. This character type is rather harmful, I think, because it portrays black women as selfish, gluttonous, and rude. It's like a subtle way of reversing the progress we've made in terms of racism. While there's a slew of white female character types, there's only a handful or so of black females. People want representation--in literature, movies, TV. But they also want to be represented by a strong character. The girl who sits around and complains about crackers with her hand in a bucket of KFC does nothing but feed the negative black stereotypes floating around.

 

8. The "Black Comic Relief"

This is the guy who's only funny because he's the only black guy in a group of whites. He's usually not too bright, but he's goofy, and uses a lot of the 'cool' urban slang. I kind of hate the black comic relief character, because he's never taken seriously--even if he's talking about something important. He's the 'pet negro', so to speak, and is just paraded around to breakdance and say 'aw hell naw!' on cue. Funny black characters are awesome, don't get me wrong. But like a lot of these characters, he's not well rounded, or developed in any way. He's just the sidekick, and no one listens to him. A character shouldn't just be written so they can be funny, or for the purpose of "representing" other ethnic groups.

9.  The Corrupt Politician

Of course you are. It's your character. Nowadays, we can't trust one goddamn politician, because all of them seem to be evil, malevolent, and self-serving. And okay, there's a disgusting amount of corruption and something needs to be done about it, but this conniving totalitarian type is really starting to get old. One of these days, I'd like to see a fictional politician who isn't hideously two-faced, and wouldn't shove the president in front of a speeding train to get his job or something. I'm not saying they have to be a wholesome superhuman--in fact, they shouldn't be. However, it would be refreshing to see a politician who's less of a figurehead--less of a social commentary on political greed--and more of a person, who behaves like any other person would. Just because someone's in a powerful position doesn't mean that they're not human.

10. The Star Trek Redshirts

sTOP FUCKING DYING ALL THE TIME

So, there we have it. Ten characters that you probably shouldn't utilize if you're trying to write a best seller. These are the characters that make readers sit and stare at your book like this:

And

And the ever popular